Labels that Heal

I wasn’t informed of my ADHD diagnosis until last year, at age 57, when my cousin (who’s a psychiatrist) was kind enough to let me know for free. Although it didn’t change the fact that I still don’t take psych meds, it’s been an incredibly helpful piece of information, as I’m viewing myself through a different lens now. Throughout my life, there have been a few individuals who have often referred to me as “impulsive” and, therefore, “irresponsible,” but I’ve since realized these hurtful voices were the sound of those who do not understand or appreciate what it means to have ADHD.

Navigating life in this way may express itself as impulsivity, impatience, or in other ways; it may even show up unconsciously.

This morning I had a dream wherein I was driving a car and needed to pull over to the side of the road. As I was braking, I had this train of thought—why is this taking so long? I always want the car to brake faster so I can stop sooner and be on my way. I’m realizing in this moment that cars actually take longer to come to a stop than I think, and I need to be more patient. Despite coming to an understanding about this, I still felt impatient and noticed that in my attempt to brake and get out of the car quickly, I hadn’t even pulled up close enough to the curb. The car was a little too far out in the road, but I thought…I’m only getting out for just a minute—it’ll be fine—which is exactly the kind of thing I would do in real life!

The other day, I was talking to someone else who has ADHD and, in his 60s, has been feeling like a failure for not sticking to one career path long term and becoming truly “successful” (according to his subjective definition of success). I suggested that instead of beating himself up emotionally, perhaps he, too, could see himself through the ADHD lens and embrace his neurodivergence instead of feeling “less than.” Personally, I find that a life of many paths is an interesting one. What you give up in stability, you gain in variety, and that can be a wonderful journey.

Another point my cousin made, which was helpful…

Too often people struggling with mental health issues want to find psychological causes for their problems (see blog post, 4/2/26, about philosopher, David Hume) rather than seeing their behavior from a biological perspective—i.e., temperament. Many of us, including myself, can overlook the fact that sometimes we are merely “born that way” and no amount of therapy or analysis is going to change it. This reframing of “problems,” like ADHD, allows us to accept instead of resist, envelope ourselves in grace instead of being mired in shame. It is okay that I want to stop the car and be on my way. There is nothing wrong with that.

In my psychotherapy practice, I work with many who are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but most of them are not aware of their diagnosis when they first come to me as patients. They think they are “crazy” or “having a breakdown,” when they are simply traumatized. When I tell them that their symptoms (see PCL5 assessment online) are completely normal, given what they’ve been through, they are relieved to say the least. Finally! They have a label to explain their sense of madness, their sense of despair; and, honestly, it gives them hope that maybe they will be okay, one day, if they just get the right kind of help.

Typically, we think of labels as a bad thing. Even in cognitive behavioral therapy, we consider “labeling” to be a cognitive distortion. Derogatory labels towards children can be scarring, and insensitive labeling of adults can be harmful. However, to avoid engaging in “black-and-white thinking,“ which is also a thinking mistake, there is room to live in the gray—letting go of labels when they don’t serve us, but also embracing them if they help provide a new way of seeing ourselves and others—like pointing a flashlight in a different direction.

When you get down to the roots of most people, there is really nothing wrong with us. We are just wounded souls with broken spirits trying to get through this very difficult life. There is no “should” in terms of our behavior; it is simply what works or doesn’t work for each of us. The only reason why we judge others so harshly is because we, in our heart of hearts, judge ourselves and believe we are not good enough. The challenge at hand? Show a little more compassion towards yourself, and you will soon realize how much more compassionate you are to others.

Note: For a fuller understanding of ADHD and how it presents in different ways for different individuals, see Dr. Daniel Amen’s 7 types online or read his book, “Healing ADD.”