Recurring Dreams
I have an active dream life with many recurring dreams. The themes that repeat themselves include bad actors from the past, being in school, waiting tables, moving in or out of a home, being lost, and oddly enough, Henry Rollins.
This morning, I was waiting tables again alongside Mikey B., whom I had worked with in the 90s when I lived in DC. While I was standing at the service bar, I was focused on a little container of toothpicks that was sitting on the bar. It’s hard to remember now, but there was something alongside the toothpicks—something round, like Fruit Loops. And I was thinking that you could actually push the toothpicks through the little circles, as if you were beading a necklace. My focus was narrow.
When I woke up, I thought about that narrow focus. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a patient yesterday. During her therapy session, we were doing an exercise to identify her passions, values, and interests. And in doing so, she said she valued “sensitivity” to others’ feelings and went on to explain. The way she responded led me to ask, “Isn’t that kindness?” And in light of her saying she thought that kindness and sensitivity were two different things, I asked for an example.
She said kindness would be giving a computer to someone who couldn’t afford one, but sensitivity would be not making fun of them for being poor. I found this bifurcated train of thought fascinating and pointed out her narrow focus. I responded that anyone who would make fun of someone for being poor is simply not kind, and the person who would do so is probably only donating the computer as some sort of performative display—to make themself look good. Or it could also be some kind of manipulation—to get something later on.
I then talked about how when our focus is too narrow, we can miss out on the broader, more significant picture. If she focuses on the person donating the computer instead of their making fun of the poor recipient, or if I focus on toothpicks at the bar instead of the whole scene, we can overlook important dynamics at play. I often point out to my patients that they are spending too much time focusing their psychological “flashlight” in one direction when, in fact, the thing they are looking for is somewhere else.
There are certain personality styles that focus too much on the micro and not enough on the macro. In general, it’s the anxious person who may obsessively focus on minutia—the inconsequential—while losing sight of the larger scene. Recently, my brother told me a story about a woman who was having a dinner party and basically ruined the fun for all involved because she was obsessing that the meal didn’t turn out perfectly and wouldn’t let it go. Her focus was too narrow.
When we shine our flashlight in the wrong direction, we can miss important things, resulting in negative consequences for ourselves or others. To emphasize this point in a session with a patient one day, I got out a flashlight from a nearby drawer to demonstrate how she was only shining the light THIS way when, if she had simply turned around and shined it THAT way, she could see what was outside of her awareness. She could see another answer, another reality, another path forward.
In my dream, I was focused on the toothpicks. Maybe it was a sign I need to be shining my flashlight elsewhere? At this point, it’s unclear, but I will remind myself to widen my perspective and consider the periphery. Five years from now, it will probably all make sense, and I will think of the Kierkegaard quote, “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” That’s been my rule for a while now…keep moving forward, and the answers will come.