Bad Faith

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been interested in etymology—the study of the origin and historical development of words. Words matter, and they change our whole perception of reality and how we experience it. Back in the ‘90s, I was dating a guy in DC who lived in a basement apartment near the Washington Cathedral. Despite looking like Superman and introducing me to the music of John Coltrane, he was actually one of the worst boyfriends I’ve ever had—so sadly, that’s memorable.

Also memorable was his “New Word a Day” calendar—the kind where you would rip off a page, revealing the following day underneath. The day I looked at it, the word aglet appeared. An aglet, in case you don’t know, is the small plastic or metal tube attached to the end of a shoelace. Its functions are to prevent the fibers of the lace from unraveling and to make it easier to thread the lace through the eyelets of a shoe. At the moment I saw the word in the calendar, it hit me. There are words for SO many things, and not only do I not know them now; I may never know them.

About twenty years later, I learned “schadenfreude.” German for sadistic pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, or humiliation of another person—it’s the perfect word to describe present-day reality in the United States. But without knowing that word, how would we talk about current events? We might use a deluge of words. Or we might simply exist in a traumatized “freeze” response, saying nothing at all.

Even though I hadn’t been aware of schadenfreude before, it still existed, and I used many other words or phrases to describe what I was seeing in American society—a lack of empathy, taking pleasure in cruelty, relishing in others’ suffering. I once read an interview with the architect Frank Gehry, wherein he said, “No one has an original idea.” Schadenfreude was not a new concept; it was simply new to me. The same was true of “bad faith,” which I learned about this week.

Coined by the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, bad faith describes the psychological phenomenon wherein a person denies their own freedom and agency by pretending they are a fixed object (like a rock or a predetermined role) rather than a conscious, free human being. Although I wasn’t aware of this term before, I frequently see this dynamic at play in my work as a psychotherapist, and it vexes me. I once had a patient describe themself as a “depressive,” and I reframed the thought by saying, in essence—no, you are not. You are simply depressed, and that can change.

A patient like this sees themself in a predetermined role, as do individuals who say things like, “It’s my personality” or “This is who I am.” As much as their diagnoses may cause them suffering, they resist the idea that their role as an anxious or depressed person is not set in stone. And so they remain stuck in a “freeze” response, which manifests as a sort of masochistic self-sabotage.

In reality, our roles are quite malleable—mere temporary states of being that can change if we view ourselves as conscious and free with agency. It is true that many of us are negatively impacted by traumatic childhood experiences. But at the same time, we can choose to behave differently and start the transition from victim to survivor. It is the ultimate act of freedom.

I always tell my patients that therapy (at least with me) is made up of two phases. The first phase is trying to figure out how we became who we are. The second phase—and this is the harder part—is embracing the things we like about ourselves and changing the things we don’t. As the first therapist I ever had once told me: Insight without action is useless. In fact, insight is not even a requirement for change. We can simply change our behavior first; then insight comes later.

Change can occur on a micro or individual level, as it does in therapy, to overcome our masochism and self-sabotage. It can also happen on a macro or societal level, in communities or on the national stage, to confront the bad actors who exemplify schadenfreude. Knowing that everything is in flux, let us embrace the truth that we are not fixed objects, like stones. We are conscious, free people with agency. Capable of shifting into fresh roles and new realities, we can let go of bad faith and, instead, embrace the good. As MLK, Jr. said: “Faith is taking the first step even though you can’t see the whole staircase.”

Take a step. Exercise your freedom. Change.