North Star
Ever feel completely stuck—like you know you need to move forward but something just won't let you? Recently, I’ve been doing an exercise with some of my patients to help them figure out where, in life, to go next—personally or professionally. Sometimes, you can get emotionally paralyzed or stuck in a “freeze” response. This inertia makes it difficult to move forward, which is necessary for growth and healing.
To do the exercise, first make a list of your passions, values, and interests. In this context, a passion is something you must do because if you didn’t, it would be like a death to your soul. A value is something you hold dear, like family or friends. And an interest is something simple, like “I’m interested in going to museums.” If I had to make lists myself, they would probably look something like this:
Passions:
Service to others
Art/Music
Nature
Dogs
Human connection
Travel
Values:
Family
Friends
Community
Knowledge
Justice
Fairness/Equity
Integrity
Beauty/Aesthetics (e.g., design)
Great food/drinks
Interests:
Cultures/Subcultures
Philosophy
Politics
History
How things work on a macro level (e.g., society)
How things work on a micro level (e.g., individual)
The human experience
Second, look over your lists and notice what they say about you.
Third, make use of the work you’ve done so far by looking at your lists alongside the life choices before you—personal or professional—and then decide if they align with who you are. If they don’t, ask yourself: Why am I leaning in this direction? Is it outside pressure? Or pressure from within? What am I feeling? Is it fear? Is it regret? If your life choices align with your lists, you are likely listening to your gut instinct, and that inner voice IS your North Star. Move toward it!
Now, let me give you two real life examples:
#1 Say I was thinking about getting a job in sales because I wanted to make more money, which was a thought of mine in the past. Rather than make the choice I made back then, I’d look over my lists and see literally nothing there that aligns with working in sales, so that would probably not be a good choice (and it wasn’t).
#2 Say I was thinking about getting into a relationship with a guy who was a lawyer who loved watching sports—another poor choice of mine in the past. Clearly, based on my lists, that would be a mismatch. If I had only come up with this exercise sooner! It could have saved me a lot of grief, and I wouldn’t have wasted my time and energy on pursuits so at odds with who I am.
Sometimes when life overwhelms you, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. This exercise can be useful from a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) perspective, as it allows you to “examine the evidence” of who you are. Rather than masking or existing as an imposter (two things I hear often in my therapy practice), defining your passions, values, and interests—and then making decisions that align with them—will help you find and embrace your authentic self. It is there we find our North Star. So try it this week. Make your lists. You might be surprised what you learn about yourself.